Positively Negative

Read all of my posts here.

I can be a bit of a Negative Nelly. Readers have emailed me who don’t know me in real life and have said they love my positivity, which always catches me off guard. Is that how I portray myself online? If it is, I’m glad, because I don’t really think I’m like that away from the computer.

Yesterday, we had a doctor’s appointment. I was excited to go so that we could make sure everything was going well, but I was also really nervous in case it wasn’t. While I don’t feel like I’m always panicked about this pregnancy, I do have a constant dull fear that something bad is going to happen.

First, the doctor tried to listen to the heartbeat with a doppler (that’s what it’s called, right?). I knew he would try this first and I knew that it was possible that he wouldn’t be able to find it, but that didn’t mean anything was wrong and he would do an ultra sound to make sure. Of course, he couldn’t find it and while I didn’t panic, there was that dull fear present.

That ultrasound was the most amazing moment of my entire life. Right when the baby appeared on the screen, it started waving! Last time it looked like a sea monkey. This time, it looked like a real baby. We could see it’s profile and arms and legs and everything. My husband almost didn’t make this appointment, but we were really glad he did.

After the baby show, my doctor asked me how I was feeling and when I said I was always nervous that something bad was going to happen, he said he could tell and that made me sad. I don’t want to come across as negative, but it’s hard for me to put on a happy face all the time and pretend like I’m worry-free.

That comment from the doctor did make me want to change, though. I’m going to make a conscious effort to think and act more positively about this pregnancy. We have wanted this so bad for so long and it would be a shame to waste all the joy with worry.

For those moms and pregnant ladies out there: how did/do you handle the fears and worries? To those those future moms: do you think you’ll be a worrier like me or will you be worry-free?

Thank You and Playing Catch-up

Thank you all so much for your kind words on my last post. It’s funny how blogging/facebooking/tweeting about it makes the pregnancy feel so much more real!

Week 4

I wrote this on July 29, 2011 during my fourth week of pregnancy.

My period was due Monday, so I took a pregnancy test on Tuesday morning. It was positive. I had been feeling some tenderness in my breasts and some light cramping for a few days, but didn’t put much stock in it because those can also be symptoms of PMS. Once I got the positive on the digital test, I called the doctor and made an appointment for the following day. I took another test the next morning, which was positive again, but this time it showed up really quickly. I continued having cramping and after some googling knew (even though I already knew this it helped to confirm it again) that it was a completely normal and a sign that implantation was occuring and that my uterus was preparing for pregnancy.

The doctor confirmed everything and calmed any fears I had. He reminded me that the chance of a miscarriage is about one out of every five pregnancies, regardless of previous history. We discussed progesterone suppositories and decided against it, together. He said he didn’t see any reason that I needed them and I was a bit reluctant to use them due to the cost and hassle.

He gave me orders for two blood tests, one for that day and one for the next Monday, to see how everything was progressing. We also made an appointment for an ultra sound in two weeks. Something about having that appointment in the books made me feel so much better. It was something real and tangible to look forward to. I left feeling relieved and a bit excited, but still guarded. I’m not sure I will ever really let my guard down until I’m holding a healthy baby in my arms and even then I’m sure I’ll have plenty of worries.

I continued feeling cramps for the next couple of days and each trip to the bathroom was a bit terrifying. However, I knew that the more symptoms I felt at this point, the better. Last time, I didn’t really feel any symptoms. I definitely didn’t have cramping like I did this time and I wasn’t as emotional. Since Sunday, I have cried a million times over the tiniest stupidest things.

Week 8

I wrote this on August 22, 2011 during my eighth week of pregnancy.

Last week, after my first day of school, we got to see the heartbeat. It was incredible and I cried. A lot. The baby is measuring a few days behind schedule, which probably just means I ovulated a few days late. My husband likes to joke that the baby takes after his side because his family is pretty short.

I have been having a little bit of sickness, not really in the morning, but mostly in the afternoon and evening. I haven’t thrown up and the nausea is nothing terrible. I’m thankful, but I get nervous when I don’t feel sick because I think that something could be wrong. I try to stay positive, but I have a lot of worries/thoughts that something bad will happen. It is hard to be care free after more than a year of trying and an early miscarriage.

I already had to buy bigger bras! Granted, mine were a little tight to begin with, but they were becoming unbearable. I was busting out! I’m not used to that as I’ve always been pretty flat-chested. My husband is happy

I also already have a little bump. It is probably just bloat and all the extra food I’ve been eating (I’m always hungry and not usually for the healthiest foods), but it is making it hard to find things to wear. Pants are way too uncomfortable, so I’ve been wearing dresses only and am starting to run out! I like to go two weeks at work without repeating an outfit, so I may need to go shopping again soon.

Week 9

I wrote this on September 3, 2011 at the end of my ninth week of pregnancy.

I’ve fallen into a habit of worrying on the days I don’t feel nauseous. Two days ago, I didn’t feel sick all day and I was really concerned that something was wrong. Then, yesterday I felt sick all day long. It didn’t really let up until I went to bed.

The nausea doesn’t stop me from eating a ton of food and lots of stuff that isn’t so great for me. I know I need to be careful because I’ve already gained weight and it’s still so early. I need to save some pounds for the second and third trimester!

I have to wait three more weeks until my next doctor’s appointment and I’m not sure if I can do it. I might call tomorrow and try to get an appointment a week early. **I did call and got it pushed up a week! I get to go on Monday!!**

My husband is way more paranoid about things I’m not supposed to eat or do than I am. I’ve been loving cold cut sandwiches lately and he gets mad at me for eating them (not mad, more of a teasing disappointed). I don’t eat them frequently, so I’m not worried about it. My doctor hasn’t said one word about avoiding any foods, so I figure I’m ok.

As each week passes, I feel less scared of losing the pregnancy and more excited for the future. I am so thankful for this blessing and am savoring each and every moment. It is already flying by too quickly!

It’s a… cute little blob!

By Amy from dandelion paperweight
Read all of my posts here.

Let me start by thanking my dear, sweet, incredible husband for writing not one, but two posts on his own fertility ordeal. Weren’t they great?

Ok, I know some of you have been waiting for this announcement and I’m sorry for all the hints (on my blog) lately. It’s so hard for me to keep such a big secret, but I’m glad to finally be writing about it!

We’re pregnant! I’m nine weeks along and everything is going very well so far. We got to see the heartbeat two weeks ago, which also happened to be my first day of school. It was incredible and I cannot wait for my next appointment. I’m not sure if I can make it three more weeks, though!

I have had a bit of sickness (not typically in the morning), but nothing crazy. I haven’t thrown up at all and usually I can make it go away by simply eating. I feel lucky that I don’t constantly have my head over the toilet and that I can eat more than saltines. However, some days I don’t feel sick at all, and that worries me because I know that symptoms mean things are moving in the right direction. I try to stay positive, but it is really hard with the year I’ve had.

Want to know how it all went down? Well, I took clomid for the second time and we took a little trip to Big Sur and San Francisco. I’m pretty sure we conceived while camping (tmi?), which I think is pretty cool. I didn’t test until the day after my missed period because I know how crazy early testing can make me. I called my doctor that day when I got a positive digital and they made an appointment for me to come in two days later. I was nervous that I wouldn’t get a positive there and that I’d have another chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage.

Remember what I wrote about my new doctor? He’s great. The nurse said they didn’t even need to do a urine test because the doctor would do an exam and would be able to tell by the size and shape of my uterus if I was indeed pregnant. I was, and then we discussed progesterone suppositories. I told him that my (our actually, my husband felt the same way) inclination was to go without them. My doctor didn’t think they were necessary at all, so that was that. I left with paperwork for some blood tests to ensure that my hCG levels were increasing at the correct rate and was cautiously optimistic.

Every blood test came back with great results and we got to go in for an early ultrasound at just 5 weeks. All we saw was a blob, no heartbeat as is was too early, and we scheduled another one for about a week and a half later. Yay! A heartbeat! And a more shapely blob! I said it looked like a sour patch kid. Maybe that was a craving talking?

I know how lucky we are. Many couples struggle for several years and go through much more invasive treatments before finally being blessed with a child. It only took about 14 months and two rounds of clomid for us. Thank goodness, because I’m not sure I could handle or afford much more.

I have a couple of posts that I wrote over the last five weeks to share with you guys and I’m going to start taking bump pics this week. I’m excited to share this journey with you all!!

Testing the Swimmers Part 2

Read all of my posts here. (by Amy of dandelionpaperweight.blogspot.com)

My husband is back for part 2 of his exciting adventure getting his “swimmers” checked out! You don’t want to miss this one!!

In case you missed last week’s post I had gone into the doctor’s office to get my sperm checked and was anally violated and was given a cup to take home and give a sperm sample. So I left the Doc’s office with my trusty specimen cup in its nondescript brown lunch bag and all I could think about was the pressure of getting it back to the lab within 20 minutes. The doctor was very specific about having to get it back within 20 minutes or I would have to do it all over again. I assumed he meant just the sperm sample and not the probing but I wasn’t about to take a chance. I decided that I would go down to the lab that was in the same over-sized one stop shop medical building to see what time they opened so I wouldn’t have to wait in line. I also wanted to make sure I knew how to get there so I wouldn’t have to wander around the place with my little brown bag that every nurse, doctor, and janitor in the place must know is not a lunch but in fact a bag full of baby batter. The lab opened at 9:00am. I planned out the next morning carefully as if I was going into battle. If I only had 20 minutes to get to the lab I would have to get everything ready before I got down to business. I had all my clothes and everything I needed for the day laid out with surgical precision so I wouldn’t have to search for car keys, wallets, etc.  I then laid out everything I needed to get down to my business and took a shower.  This pregame shower isn’t a normal routine or anything; the doctor said to be as clean as possible to not contaminate the sample.  I got out of the shower and it was time for the games to begin.  The only problem it was no fun.  It was the least fun I have had masturbating in my life.  It felt like homework or something.  All I could think about was the science of it all and my imagination lacked all its normal pizzazz.  I did my deed and once I was finished I went immediately into overdrive.  I washed up, threw on my clothes and ran out the door all while making sure my cup was perfectly vertical.  It had a lid on it but I didn’t want it shaking around and compromising the results.  I sped back the 10 blocks or so to the lad and I was 10 minutes early.  I rushed down the hall to the lab only to find five incredibly old people already waiting there.  They didn’t have any bags so I was hoping the line would be a breeze.  When it comes to old people nothing is a breeze.  Despite the 3 signs on your way to the counter not one of them had their insurance card and ID out.  I was freaking out.  Didn’t these people know I had a ticking time bomb of sperm with only minutes left?!  I finally got to the front of the line and I was already 5 minutes over the golden 20 minute rule.  I practically threw my insurance card and ID at the lady and was about to do the same with my bag when the nurse saw the bag and her eyes lit up with half surprise and half disgust.  ”Sir,  I don’t want that!  There is a specimen drop on the other side of the room.  Just leave it on the counter over there please.”  I did as I was told and later the next day I received an email with the results.  My boys downstairs are working overtime to produce. Thank goodness! The Doctor called me later to let me know that although I all of my numbers were in the average range I was on the higher range of  ”slow sperm.”  He told me not to be concerned and to call him for more tests if we still haven’t conceived in a year.  But I know he really just wants a second chance to get a piece of the best feeling prostate he has ever felt!         …gross                                                                

Testing the Swimmers

Read all of my posts here.

My dear husband has written a very personal (and hilarious, in my opinion) post for you all today! Isn’t it great to hear the husband’s perspective? Give him some love in the comments!

When we had been trying to get pregnant for about a year to no avail, I started to get nervous and thought that maybe it was me.  It was the first time in my life that I had questioned my manhood and thought that maybe I wasn’t functioning properly.  I should mention that I wasn’t the healthiest kid growing up.  I had a good time in High School and College and got all of my partying out of my system pretty early, so who knows, maybe all that partying before I even had hair on my chest ruined me downstairs.  So I swallowed my pride, manned up and made an appointment to go get my boys checked out; make sure my swimmers are swimming so to speak.

All I knew about going to the doctor to go give a sperm sample is what I’d seen in movies.  The uncomfortable exchange between nurse and patient as she hands you a plastic jar and leads you to a room full of magazines and videos – everything covered in thick plastic of course.  And then the even more horrifying exchange when you have to give her the jar back full of your “sample.”  I also wasn’t thrilled about a strange man examining my package.
So I went into the office and the nurse lead me straight to the exam room.  I was  trying to look in the other rooms as nonchalantly as possible as I was being led to the exam room but I couldn’t find the porno room.  I was left alone in the exam room to stew in my own nerves.

The doctor came in and was nice and very easy going.  He asked the questions and I was expecting and I answered them with complete ease and was getting more and more confident as I breezed through them.  How long have you been trying?  Do you have any history with impotence?  Have you have any experiences where you were hit in the groin where you had to go to the hospital?  Does either family have a history of trouble getting pregnant?”  Everything was going great but then came those inevitable words I was waiting for.  “Okay now please stand up and drop your pants.”  I did as I was told and promptly had my member inspected from base to tip.  Inspected is a gentle word.  It was pinched, rolled over, stretched, and the tip spread, all a couple inches away from the Doctor’s face.  Oddly enough it was kind of amusing.  I don’t know what he was looking for but he had a very serious look on his face.  I guess that’s better than him having a big grin now that I think about it!

“Everything looks normal,” he said as he stood up and I started to pull up my pants when I was interrupted by him saying, “I wish this was the end to but I still need to check your prostate. Please turn around, bend over and grab the bench.”  I stood there frozen in fear.  I tried to reason with him.  “I don’t have a problem with my prostate.  What about the sperm check?  Can’t we wait until the sperm results come back before we do this?”  I was seriously sweating at this point.  In case you don’t know the way they check your prostate is by stinking a finger up your butt and feeling around.  I have heard and can now testify that is not a fun experience; in fact if it hadn’t been in a doctor’s office I’m pretty sure I would have pressed charges.  I bent over and I swear to God I thought he was reaching for my tonsils!  He went deep.  Very deep.  I was trying to crawl away from him but no luck.  And wouldn’t you know it, it was all over in just a few short hours! (probably seconds but it felt like hours).   The doctor then broke the good news and told me that the nurse would give me the cup for the take home sperm test and to make sure that I get it back to the lab at the hospital no longer than 20 minutes after “collecting the sample.”  That is a whole other story in itself.

Now don’t laugh men.  Even if you don’t have to get a prostate exam now, at some point you will and it is every bit as horrifying as you can imagine.  I just hope your doctor has smaller hands than mine did…

Fur Babies and Real Babies

Read all of my posts here.

Our dogs are our babies. They have always slept on our bed and used to be allowed on the couch, until our room makeover. We spoil them rotten and aren’t ashamed to admit it.

Ruby is a puggle, which is part pug and part beagle, and Jackson is a labradoodle, which is part lab and part poodle. We didn’t intend to own only fancy hybrid dogs, but that’s what happened. It’s embarrassing when people ask what they are when we meet at the dog park or on a walk.

We’ve known since we starting TTC that we would have to make some changes with how we treat the dogs before adding a baby to the mix. It took us over a year, but when we got back from our trip up to San Francisco last month, we finally kicked them off the bed.

Here they are on night number two of no-dogs-on-the-bed. They took some time getting used to it, but now they’re doing great! I have to admit, sometimes they jump up on the bed uninvited and sometimes I let them stay up there when I’m taking a nap alone, but for the most part, we’ve broken them of their, I mean, OUR bad habit.

So, what else should dog owners do to prepare for a baby? Here are some things I’ve read and heard about on the matter (I can’t remember my sources, so don’t call the MLA police, please):

1. Ignore the dogs in the months leading up to delivery.

I’m not talking about neglect here, but it is important to pay less and less attention to the dogs as it gets closer to baby time. This is most important for the mom, as she will be the primary caregiver for the baby, at least at first. This way, the dogs don’t blame the baby for the lack of attention they’re receiving because it started before the baby got there.

2. Get a crying baby doll and hold it while it makes noise.

This will help get the dogs used to the sound of a crying baby and used to you having something cradled in your arms. Keep the baby in a safe place and never let the dogs play with it.

3. Arrange for someone to take care of the dogs during labor, delivery, and recovery.

You can have someone on stand-by to pick up the dogs for a few days or have someone come by your house to feed, walk, and play with the dogs when you’re gone. Be sure to prepare instructions ahead of time so you’re not worrying about relaying information over the phone while laboring.

4. Bring baby clothes home from the hospital/birth center/etc.

After the baby is born, have someone bring home something that the baby has worn. Let the dogs smell it, but don’t let them play with it. No tug-of-war with the baby’s shirt, ok? Tell them to be gentle as they smell so they know that they are to be on their best behavior.

5. Don’t keep the baby room door closed all the time.

If you decide that you never want the dogs in the baby’s room, put up a baby gate to keep them out, but that allows them to see what is going on inside. If you decide to let them go in and out of the room, give them their own spot to lay down and teach them to respect the baby’s things. This can begin before the baby arrives so you don’t have to worry about training the dogs while you have a screaming baby in your arms.

Overall, remember that this will be a huge adjustment, not just for you, but for all the members of your family, human or not. Have patience, but be firm as you introduce a new member to the pack.

Did I miss anything? What has worked for you when introducing a real baby to your fur babies?

Baby Shower Strike

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Before we started TTC, I used to love going to baby showers. The games, the cute gifts, the decor… they were fun and I used to imagine what my own would be like. However, once we started having trouble getting pregnant, baby showers seemed more torturous than dental appointments.

Over the past year, I’ve been invited to a couple of baby showers, but have declined. I just couldn’t bring myself to put on a happy face an coo over baby clothes. If one of my really close friends had invited me to a shower, I would have definitely sucked it up and gone, but it would have been tough.

On Saturday, I went to my first baby shower in over a year. Luckily, it was a shower for my husband’s friends and wasn’t just for women. Also, I got to bring my little brother so I had plenty to keep me distracted. Major plus: they didn’t open gifts! They saved that for when they got home.

They called it a baby fiesta and held it at a park! They had beer, tacos, and really delicious cupcakes.

While the adults mingled, the kids had fun feeding the ducks and playing on the jungle gym.

Apparently ducks don’t like corn tortillas. Bummer…

I loved the colorful banners. I think they would look really cute in a nursery, don’t you?

I actually had a great time and didn’t feel awkward at all. I’m glad I went and that it was a coed shower so I could ease into it. I think I can safely say I’m over my baby shower strike!

Have you declined an invitation just because you couldn’t bring yourself to celebrate?

Protecting My Feelings

Read all of my posts here.

The other day, I was reading a friend’s blog who recently suffered a miscarriage. Her posts express her deep sadness and she writes about how it is taking her weeks to get back to her normal self.

Peonies at Fiori in San Francisco

As I read her story, I start questioning my own feelings about my miscarriage. I cried for about an hour, took one day off of work, was a little introspective for about a week, and then I was basically back to normal. I was on to the next cycle and ready to try again. I don’t think about it like I lost a baby, I think about it as another bump on our road to parenthood.

Golden Gate Bridge

Maybe I’ve become desensitized to the pain and disappointment. Maybe after more than a year of negative home pregnancy tests and blood tests and crying in the doctor’s office, it just doesn’t come as a shock when something doesn’t work out in the baby making department.

Leaving the city on the ferry.

I know that I wasn’t very far along when I lost my pregnancy – most women who have a miscarriage that early never even knew they were pregnant. But shouldn’t I feel more like she does? Does that mean I didn’t love my unborn baby as much as she did? Will I ever let myself go when I get pregnant again, or will I always remain guarded?

What do you think? Do you protect yourself from disappointment like me or do you allow yourself to get excited and feel deeply?